The Butcher of Kuala Lumpur

Taman Negara Orang Asli to destroy generators for World Earth Hour

The Batek Orang Asli, the nomadic aboriginal hunter-gatherers who live near the Taman Negara forests, have announced that they will destroy their evil, carbon-emitting diesel generators tomorrow, 28 March 2009, for World Earth Hour.

Sani Hisnam, a 70-year old Orang Asli, first thought up the idea when he heard a local ad on his AM radio, asking Malaysians to switch off their lights for one hour on World Earth Hour. Despite his age and berry-only diet, Sani has a keen understanding of global warming and believes that the global effort will do much good for the world.

“If we had lights, we would definitely switch them off. So I sat down on my rock and thought very hard about how we, Orang Asli, could contribute to the national effort. And then, my son returned from a trip to the city. He told me that our diesel generators, which we sometimes use when we need to cook in rainy weather, is a source of pollutant. Did you know that using it for 15 minutes will produce enough carbon monoxide that would need 15 days for a tree to absorb?”

So tomorrow, Sani will lead a band of 23 Orang Asli as they intend to make a bonfire of 12 diesel generators.

Ahmad Haji Arshad, a Malaysian student, lauds the attempt, although he feels that Orang Asli could do more.

“Sometimes, I do wish that more groups of people, such as the Orang Asli, would do more for conservation. I mean, urban people like me do lots of things like recycling the plastic we use, reusing our computers, and you know, other good stuff. But I guess what they’re doing is a good start…” said Ahmad, as he sat in his MPV talking to us with the engine running.

Farah Lee, a working mother of three, concurred: “The Orang Asli have always been anonymous when it comes to environmental efforts. Look at Sarimah and Ida Nerina… they’re so famous and they fly all over the world, and yet they take the time to go on TV to tell us about Earth Hour. They are true angels.”

Farah organised a tree-planting trip to Venezuela last month for her 120 colleagues where they managed to plant 20 trees. They even managed to get cheap tickets with only 3 transits.

Tags: Orang Asli Malaysia, World Earth Hour Malaysia

Chin Ah Beng confused over UMNO elections

“I got up so early today to cast my vote. To exercise my rights as a Malaysian!” said Chin Ah Beng late today.

The middle-aged Chinese Malaysian caused a small commotion at the Putra World Trade Centre when he tried to register at one of the voting booth set up for this week’s elections at the United Malay National Organisation (UMNO) General Assembly.

Clad in a stunning blue and red Chinese Taoist suit embroidered with dragon motifs, Ah Beng was not perturbed by the fact that he was surrounded by Malay men in pelikats and batik. When told that only Malays registered with the political party could vote, Mr. Chin nodded his head sadly, disappointed that he could not catch a glimpse of his brown-skinned heroes.

“I shall come back next elections… possibly with a different name, race and religion. I think I will begin my training today by eating sambal and taking another wife,” he said, with a childish wink. Mr. Chin speaks perfect Bahasa Malaysia, has never publicly exposed his aurat and, unlike most Chinese, can pronounce his “Ls” and “Rs” without difficulty.

Tags: Ketuanan Melayu, Malaysia boleh, UMNO elections, UMNO general assembly

Rusdi is #1 Red Devil

Sabahan Rusdi Mening yesterday proudly proclaimed himself to his puny friends that he was undoubtedly English football club Manchester United’s biggest fan. His face red and flushed from shouting, Rusdi is waiting for his submission to the Guiness Book of World Records, staking that claim, to be approved.

“It all started when my father took me to Old Trafford to watch my first game back in 1982. I remember clearly, although I was only 3 months old, watching Alex Ferguson’s men thrash the opponent’s team!” he yelled at us.

When pointed out that the Scotsman only managed the team from 1986, Rusdi apologised, and said “Haha, that’s what I meant! 1986!”

Then, when pointed out that he would have been four years old and not two months, Rusdi punched his interviewer in the face and said: “Haha, Roy Keana is my favourite player!”

Rusdi considers himself a “true, rabid, die-hard fan”.

He was not present in the last 15 minutes of the match on 14 March 2009 when Manchester United lost 1-4 to Liverpool FC, nor in the last 20 minutes of the 2-0 capitulation at Craven Cottage a week later. Rusdi declined to comment on why he walked out of the Mamak shop where he watches games in those two matches.

Tags: EPL Malaysia, Manchester United Malaysia, Red Devils Malaysia