The Butcher of Kuala Lumpur

Hj Mahmud shocked by Mamma Mia!!!

Tuan Haji Mahmud bin Haji Sulaiman has seen it all. Born into a decentralised British Malaya in 1922 and living his teenage years in a Malaya chained to the Great Depression, Mahmud bin Sulaiman could not have had a harder time growing up in his country.

Having distinguished himself in school despite facing poverty - speaking and writing fluent Malay, Mandarin, Tamil and English - he was recruited for clandestine operations with the Force 136 during the Battle of Malaya in 1943 at the age of 21. He was personally responsible for numerous foiled Japanese raids, and was never short on battle experience, leading on two occassions the Indian 9th Division on decisive victories and at least 17 accounts of guerilla incursions into Japanese jungle bases.

Haji Mahmud was heavily involved in the formation of Malaysia, and despite never being recognised for his efforts, continued to build society through educational grants and development projects nationwide.

Today, at the age of 86, Tuan Haji Mahmud confesses that he takes more time to relax and enjoy himself: “It’s good to sit back and reflect on how far we, as a nation, have come. For me, there’s nothing better than visiting the kampungs, watching people play with waus or watching wayang kulit. It’s good to see all these good things. Alhamdullilah.”

A great appreciator of fine arts, Haji Mahmud, however, had never set foot in the capital since 1960, preferring to work and live in the rural coasts of the Peninsula. Nevertheless, he heard great things about the country’s great icon of cultural heritage: the Istana Budaya (literally, Cultural Palace). And last night, he made his journey there to watch one of its cultural presentations.

“Astagha..! Apakah ini yang mataku memandang?! Bertahun-tahun bapa kemerdekaan bertumpah darah menentang penceroboh, sia-sia sahaja! Betapa malangnya ibu pertiwiku, di dalam istana budaya tersohor, melompat-lompat segala monyet-monyetan barat, dengan rambut kuning dan tetek terjelir!”

Roughly translated: “Holy mother shit..! What the hell?! All the invaders we killed, for this?! Oh man, we are so screwed, here in the shrine for our country’s culture, white men jump around, with yellow hair and vulgar cleavage!”

Needless to say, Haji Mahmud was truly shocked by Mamma Mia! However, being the optimist that he is, he doesn’t want to give up hope on Malaysia yet. In fact, next month he is booking his ticket to the Istana Budaya again. Only this time, he’s making sure it’s a local production with Malaysian culture and values.

“I think ‘Evolusi KL Drift the Musical’ is going to be a great watch. I wonder what it’s about… the evolution of our beloved country through drifting seruling music, perhaps accompanied by the rebana?”

Tags: Evolusi KL Drift the Musical, Istana Budaya, Malaysia, Mamma Mia Istana Budaya, Mamma Mia Malaysia

I love Piah Zadora - Part 1

It’s true. I absolutely love him/her. And I mean it with no sarcasm or cynicism. I will tell you why I love her - one reason at a time - because I want to.

Reason Number One: She/He gets a lot of publicity. Now publicity is something I never dislike. No such thing as bad publicity, yes? She/He’s bringing a lot of attention to a lot of other bloggers and I want a piece of that splendidly delicious pie. But I dig this Piah person so much I’d rather be on his or her good books.

So yes, definitely, I will tell you more. I love him/her. Oh yeah.

Tags: Malaysia boleh, Piah Zadora, Piah Zadora lagi, seks Melayu

My life as a Malay Man - Part 1

Hai.

My name is Ali. I am a Malay.

I first realised how special my status as a Malay truly was when I was about 3 years old. My mom paid my dad a surprise visit in his office. My dad was only 3 years into his job at the time, so he was climbing up the ranks quite quickly but not there yet.

Dad was OK to see us, mildly surprised as I recall. But then mom put me down on his table and I shat myself. I don’t remember why but it felt really good to feel all that baby shit slide out of my napkin onto dad’s super important documents.

Next thing I remember, good old daddy slapped mom across her face so hard she split her nose and lips. I probably did not know it then, but it was a good introduction to me on the power a Malay man yields.

I salute you, Syamsul Yusuf, son of Yusuf Haslam! You are the shining example of a Malay man: modernisation has not dulled your instincts. You just gave that teenage girlfriend of yours a good slap - and I bet she needed it! Melayu boleh!

Tags: Malaysia, Malaysia boleh, Melayu boleh, seks Melayu, Syamsul Diana Danielle