The Butcher of Kuala Lumpur

Malaysia exports 100 ziyillion tonnes of bullshit to the US

In breaking news today, Malaysian minister of international trade and industry, YB. Tan Sri Mydin bin Hj. Mohd Yezza, announced that the nation was exporting 100 ziyillion tonnes of bullshit to the US.

The announcement came after a revealing report last weekend that Malaysia had a staggering 900 trabillion tonnes of bullshit reserves, the result of a state-sponsored mass scaling up of bullshit production that began in the late 90s with the sacking of then deputy prime minister, Unwar Ebrahim, on charges of corruption and sodomy. Its public ravenous for crap and shit stories devoid of truth but full of delicious scandal, the country embarked on a wide-scale industrialisation of the bullshit sector which enabled political parties to produce some 20 million barrels of bullshit daily at the eve of the millenium. By 2008, bullshit daily output had reached some 50 kirillion barrels - but consumer consumption had dropped unexpectedly, leaving huge stockpiles of bullshit gathering in government warehouses throughout the country.

The opportunity for export arose after the November election results made it clear that US president elect Barack Obama was to lead the USA. The Bush administration had long known that the US was running low on bullshit, as the “War on Terror” depleted resources and the “Global Credit Crunch” propelled consumption into all-time highs.

Democrats gathered at Obama’s victory speech expressed concern that the old administation would have left to Obama a White House empty of bullshit. Obama himself, however, vowed to solve the potential crisis, foreign aides having alerted him to the growing piles of bullshit in Malaysia.

After weeks of wrangling, a deal was finally reached today. The US has purchased from Malaysia 100 ziyillion tonnes of bullshit in a deal that would span 8 years.

Mydin and Obama

“Yeah, for 2 terms. Let the fucker who takes over me find his own bullshit to dole out to the people”, said a relieved Obama.

Pak Loh expressed his pleasure at the deal, saying that it was on such common ground that Malaysia and the US should work together.

“Bullshit is such an important economy to both our great nations. May this agreement be a portent of good times ahead, yezaaa.”

Tags: Malaysia, Malaysia US, minister of international trade and industry, Pak Lah Obama, think

Pak Lah speaks Mandarin

The nation was astounded while the global audience stood still, confounded by Pak Lah as he uttered a greeting in Mandarin today.

“Ni hao ma,” he said suddenly today.

Journalists swarmed his secret residence hours ago to discover the reason behind this unexpected gesture. Political analyst, Chao Chee Bai, was one of the first to offer an opinion. “Clearly, Pak Lah wants to back up his statement saying that anyone can be prime minister. It could be a lowly Malay rising up the ranks by sucking dick or letting deputy prime ministers sodomise them. It could be an upper-class Malay man sodomising young aides. It could be a Chinese money-grubber, a smelly Indian labourer. And most definitely, a silly old Malay man speaking three words of Mandarin can be our prime minister.”

A representative from the British High Commission was impressed when telephoned about the monthly Commonwealth nation updates. “I think it is a big step for man who only has had education in Islamic studies to, without any great difficulty, say a greeting in a foreign language. Well done, Malays! I’ll be sure to name him in the Queen’s list next year as most improved leader of former colony.”

The enormity of Pak Lah’s act has yet to hit the entire nation, however. Ramasamy anak luar nikah Bakar Boestaman, who sells roti canai at 80 sen despite the recent food price hikes, was incomprehensible when reached for comment.

“Apala Pak Lah cakap manyak pandai mau cium bontot cina tapi aramaga india sini semua mati itu samy vellu saja india kaya makan suap semua dooit rakyat malagasaaaaaa”

Negaraku sang by PATI

Achmad Liyando’s chest swells as he bursts out a line or two from Negaraku. His version of it anyway.

“Negaraku, tanah jatuhnya darahku!”

Achmad is a PATI, a “pendatang asing tanpa izin”. Literally translated, it means foreign comer without permission. Achmad denies this accusation vehemently, saying that he received permission from at least 6 personnel from Malaysian Immigration officers. Sure, he had to bribe them with cigarrettes and what little Rupiah left he had. But he bought that permission.

He is very proud to be in Malaysia, but reminds me that he is Indonesian through and through. He’s even memorised the national anthem. But he doesn’t have a very good memory. When asked why, Achmad laughs and says that when he’s running from the police, he just needs to stand erect and sing. The police will all stop chasing him and show the same respect for the song.

“Malaysia BEST”, says Achmad.

Tags: Malaysia, Negaraku, PATI Kuala Lumpur